Nagkita kami kagabi sa meeting para sa medical mission sa Zambales ūüėĪ

Hindi ko ulit inaasahan. Mabuti na lang may kasama akong kaibigan na matagal na akong kilala.

Nganga. Ang nasabi na lang naming dalawa ay “Kilala namin ang isa’t isa,” “Oo, magkakilala kami.”

Mababait ang mga kasama niya na talagang pakay namin sa meeting. He tried joking a few times in the meeting, nagbigay ng konting input.

Mostly kaming lima ang nag-usap (kaming 2 tapos yung 3 kasama niya). 

Natapat nga lang ako sa kanya diagonally kaya medyo mahirap magpokus. Pero normal naman daw ako sabi ng kasama ko. Noong nakaalis na kami saka ko sinabi.

Di ako nakatulog ng maayos kagabi. Lagpas 1AM na ako nakatulog kaya antok ako ngayon. 

Hayyy puso.

Noong Abril, nag-uusap pa tayo kung sino ang bobotohing presidente. Hindi ka pa makadesisyon noon, pero nabanggit mo na si Senadora Miriam Defensor-Santiago. Tinanong mo ako kung sino pipiliin ko. Sabi ko kung tumakbo sana si Duterte bilang bise presidente, siya bobotohin ko. Pero nabanggit ko na isang malaking punto sa desisyon ko ang kalusugan ni Sen. Santiago. Hindi na nga tumagal ang matapang na senadora.

May you rest in peace Madam. The Philippines has lost a great leader.

Sa wakas, nakita na rin ako ng rehab doc kanina. Dinala ko ang knee x-rays at MRI ko para sigurado (at buti na lang).

Patellofemoral pain syndrome it is. Secondary to chondromalacia.¬†Mas apektado ang kaliwa kong tuhod; almost wala na akong maramdamang sakit sa kanan. Pero parehong mahina ang tuhod ko. Unstable kapag naglalakad ako, at mas hirap ako kapag pababa ng hagdan. Intact naman daw ang knee cartilage¬†ko (hallelujah!)¬†kaya most likely¬†‘yung sakit sa kaliwa ay mula sa pagbangga¬†ng knee cap (patella) ko at thigh bone (femur). ūüėě

Sa susunod na linggo na ako makakapagsimula ulit ng physical therapy. Pagkatapos ng 7 sessions, saka ako i-aassess ulit ni Doktora. Salamat sa HMO card, isa siyang biyaya ng langit Рhindi ko na kinailangan magbayad ng professional/consultation fee. Kasama na rin sa benepisyo ng HMO ko ang 20 sessions ng PT. Salamat talaga Lord. 

Being 10

I’ve been thinking of my younger self for the past few weeks.

The months of April to May meant summer vacation. When I was 10, my mother told me there was an art class at the local elementary school. Staying at home will be boring (that mostly meant household chores and TV), so I decided to join. I was already drawing and painting on my own, but I was able to improve my skills in the art class. The instructor taught us how to use grids and circles for sketching humans and scaling. We were also taught lettering (serif, script, and gothic) and charcoal drawing. For coloring, we mostly used colored pencils and paint.

The previous year, I decided to resurrect my bike which was left for around 1-2 years in our shed. It still had the training wheels on – and I was determined to learn biking without them. My uncle, who was still alive then, removed the wheels. I was able to learn in two tries with just a small scratch. Riding became my ticket to freedom. (1999 was also the time where I was mistaken a few times for a young boy! I had a short hair and I used to wear whatever I want ūüėõ Even as I went into college and in my 20s, I’m usually mistaken by others for a tomboy. I just don’t fit with the stereotype ūüôā )

That summer, I rode my bike to class and back home.¬†It was the time I had the most fun in my childhood. Summer ended and June meant the start of classes. Our art instructor had¬†a shop in the province’s capital. On our last day, he offered me apprenticeship. I was very surprised – I didn’t expect it. I was the only one he asked from our class. He probably saw my potential.

I told him I’ll ask my mother first but I eventually declined his offer. I had to go home directly after school. Also in our province, it was dangerous for anyone to go home late since¬†there were only few public transportation available in the evening bound¬†for our town.

Although I wasn’t able to continue learning art formally, I still practiced on my own. 16 years after, I’m drawing and painting on my spare time. I’m planning to return to biking again this year. ūüôā

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Started biking way much younger, around 4 years old. This was easier to learn though.

 

Mga paang panglalake

 

Session 2. Hindi na gaanong nanginginig sa malalim. Nakuha na ang breast stroke. Lumangoy habang hinahagupit ng ulan. Fifty shades of brown. Ilang¬†sessions pa¬†babalik nako sa tunay kong kulay – bago nakatikim ng aircon at tubig na may chlorine ang¬†balat ko ūüėā

Konti pa Lord. At babalik nako sa rehab ngayong linggo. Sa isa or dalawang buwan, sana dahan-dahan nang bumalik ang dating lakas ko.

I am writing this post inside a hospital, while waiting for my turn to be called. Almost four months have passed since I last saw my orthopedic doctor,  and I wasn’t able to consistently do the prescribed exercises for my legs. My left knee hurts more than my right,  and almost everyday I have to deal with the mild to moderate pain. I just started swimming last week,  but to be able to recover quickly,  I need to swim 2-3 times a week,  or find another physical activity that would complement it. I am nervous to know the condition of my knees now – I hope it has improved. 

On the other side, I woke up this morning with alarming news. At almost the same time I slept last night, an explosion at the night market in Roxas Avenue, Davao City happened. Around 12 people died, including a 12-year old. More than 60 people were injured by the blast. Early morning, President Duterte proclaimed the whole nation under the state of lawlessness. The AFP has declared full alert in Mindanao and heightened alert in the rest of the country. Just few hours earlier, Abu Sayyaf claimed the incident as their doing. 

In 2003, I was able to experience a similar incident. We were doing post-competition celebration with our coaches for the division math contest at the food court of the local mall when we suddenly heard an explosion and breaking of glass. In a split second, chaos ensued – people were screaming and running towards the stairs and exits. Too shocked, we stayed in our seats – one of the Math teachers told us to stay calm and not to go with the stampede. 

For the first time in my life,  I felt very frightened and helpless. My teeth chattered and my knees shook as we made our way down and out of the mall. Our parents were informed of the incident – and I went home, still shaking but able to talk. I think ever since then,  I became much more sensitive to loud noises and touch. 

What happened in Davao City last night reminded me again of the traumatic experience I had. Even as I work in a medical field, death and dying still has that great impact on me. 

Terrorism has no place in this country. Innocent civilians die,  get hurt and feel traumatized for the rest of their life. To be free of fear and to live in peace shouldn’t just be people’s dreams. 

‘Yung totoo,¬†long weekend¬†pero hindi ko naman masyadong na-enjoy.¬†Hindi ako nakalayas dito sa Metro Manila.

Partly guilty¬†ako na hindi ko natapos ‘yung mga kailangan kong tapusin sa trabaho. Pero kasi naman,¬†long¬†weekend.¬†Gusto ko naman ng pahinga. Ngayon, hindi ko na alam kung paano ko matatapos ‘yung marami pang kailangang ayusin ngayong linggo at sa susunod (editing¬†ng¬†training modules¬†at¬†training design,¬†pagsusulat ng¬†bagong¬†performance objectives, monthly report, schedule¬†at¬†budget¬†for September, at¬†training needs assessment).¬†Distracted¬†din ako dahil sa mga nararamdaman ko.

Baka hindi na kayanin ng isip, puso, at katawan ko.

Lord, bahala na kayo.

 

Unexpected Twist

Dahil sa mga katopakan ko at ng mga tao sa paligid ko nitong mga nakaraang linggo, pinlano kong sumama sa isang grupo papunta ng Bukal Falls (bukal na, falls pa ‘di ba?) sa Laguna. Ngayong alas-2 ng madaling araw sana kami aalis, pero may mga nag-cancel¬†nitong gabi lang, hanggang sa ang sigurado na lang ay ako at ang¬†organizer.

Ang¬†catch – ang organizer ng lakad (itago natin sa pangalang J) ay kaibigan ni R. Pero ‘di niya alam ang kasaysayan namin kaya okay lang.

Nag-propose ako ng alternative. Push ang lakad pero tuturuan niya ako ng Basic Mountaineering Course (BMC). Hindi kaya. Ang alternative na binigay ay BMC sa ibang iskedyul, at di lang basta BMC orientation, kundi mismong BMC 1 and 2, kasama ang basic backpacking. 

Dahil natanong na rin niya kung saan at anong trabaho ko, ayun na. Hindi ko na lang¬†minention¬†‘yung pangalan ng org namin dahil matsutsugi talaga ako kay R. Nabanggit sa akin ni J na sa mga akyat nila nakaka-engkwentro sila ng mga katutubo na nangangailangan talaga ng tulong. Sa mga nakaraang outreach¬†nila, may mga¬†school supplies¬†at¬†feeding¬†silang nagawa. Wala pa raw nakakagawa ng¬†medical mission¬†sa kanila dahil wala silang nakasamang doktor. Naka-jackpot¬†si koya.

Nadale ni J ang puso ko para sa paglilingkod. Although hindi talaga ako pabor sa mga outreach at medical mission dahil mga one-shot activities lang ito, tutal close na kami lol, makakatulong ako sa pagpaplano ng mabuti para hindi sayang ang pagpunta. May maiiwan na tatagal sa mga pamayanan na ito. Kasi kapag school supplies lang at mga gamot (kailangan naman siya lalo na sa mga sakit na kumplikado), mauubos din ito, hindi magtatagal. Kailangang maghanap ng ibang paraan na akma sa komunidad na tutulungan, at kung pwede, hindi kailangang malayo ang pagkukunan Рnandun na mismo sa kanila.

Kaya kahit hindi kami natuloy ngayon, okay lang. Mayroon na akong bagay na ma-lolook forward to¬†sa mga susunod na buwan.¬†Sa ngayon, kailangan kong magpahinga, makapag-recover.¬†Alam kong sa mga kaibigan at mga kakilala ko pa lang, marami na gustong makatulong para dito. ūüôā Ang iba sa kanila galing sa magkakaibang-disiplina kaya sa tingin ko may patutunguhan ito.

At masaya naman ako na tama ang hinala ko na mabuting tao si J. Matagal ko na nararamdaman na okay siya. Minsan kasi nararamdaman mo sa tao kung may bahid ba ng kabutihan o kasamaan. Well, kung magkita man kami ni R balang araw, wala siyang magagawa kapag paglilingkod sa tao na ang pag-uusapan. Alam kong alam niya na ito ang tawag ko ngayon. Alam niyang nasa puso ko talaga ito, at masaya ako na ginagawa ito.

Stress Drilon

Napapadalas na naman ang pagsusuka ko sa umaga. Ilang araw at gabi ko na bang nararamdaman ang pulso at tibok ng puso ko na mabilis. Nahihirapan akong huminga, parang iniipit ang dibdib ko.

Grabe ang stress ko ngayon. Nahihirapan akong kumalma.

Hindi raw ako makausap ng matino ng mga ka-close kong officemates (na nasa health and nutrition). Iba raw ang aura ko.

Natataasan ko ng boses ang mga tao. Ang dali kong maubusan ng pasensya.

Lord, gusto ko lang po ng pahinga.

Pahinga sa utak, pahinga sa puso at damdamin. Hindi ko po alam kung hanggang saan pa ang kaya ko.

Minsan gusto ko na sumuko. Umiyak sa sobrang pagod. Sa sobrang lungkot.