What I do during weekends these days: self-care. Trying to keep up with improving my physical well-being by exercising (going to the gym for muay thai or occasionally MMA, or simply jogging). I want to keep myself busy and distracted outdoors so I could forget what I was feeling for more than a month now. With my decision to cut off ties, my anxiety came back–I began to wake up feeling something on the pit of my stomach again. Nauseous, I can’t eat properly and I can’t focus on work. Sometimes I go to the toilet just to vomit. It’s terrible.

There are some days when it feels like I lost a large part of myself and it hurts so much I begin to question my existence and purpose in this world. And I’m thankful for my officemates and friends who keep me afloat and bring my sanity back.

When you have been hurt by your loved ones, especially your family, for a long time, your brain has already been trained to see patterns. Pain is an obnoxious stimulus that puts the whole body into fight or flight mode. The body does not distinguish between physical, mental, or emotional pain–all it knows is that there is something wrong and it should be stopped immediately before it makes further damage. Being constantly on a fight or flight mode takes toll on the body that we eventually feel as fatigue and exhaustion.

I really want to be happy–I want to keep this momentum. I’ve worked so hard for the first half of the year and I will not let anything, or anyone, drag me back to the ground again.


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